Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
