Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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