I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think my fart just growled at me.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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