So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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