the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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