I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
