So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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