Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
