I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
