dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
