Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
