I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
