Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
