bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
