i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Your penis caused this!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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