The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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