My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
