Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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