if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize