God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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