I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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