I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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