I haven't been this sober since birth.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
