I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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