I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
