I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
