I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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