His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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