four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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