the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
