i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
