it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
