I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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