My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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