Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
