I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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