Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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