I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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