this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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