his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
