This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
