my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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