You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize