There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
