I hope my margaritas pass through security.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
