she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
