i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
