dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
