His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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