my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Ladies don't puke and tell
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
