I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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